When Insults Had Class
I’ll be really honest with you and confess that I hate Mondays. I suppose there isn’t much to hate today, because it’s warm and sunny and nice, but normally Monday is the most despicable and deplorable day of the week. I’m one of those people who longs for Friday/Saturday, and it just seems like a never ending gulf of eternity when I wake up every Monday morning.
Anyway, usually on Mondays I try to find something funny to laugh about or something cheery to look forward to. And just in case you share this aversion to Mondays, too, I thought I’d share with you the funniest thing that came my way recently.
My dad (who understands my sense of humor perfectly) sent me this e-mail a few weeks ago entitled “When Insults Had Class”. Now I’m not one of those bratty people who will say something rude to your face if you make me mad, but these insults are so funny that I don’t really know if I find them offending. They remind me of the Bennett/Darcy or Beatrice/Benedict literary battles of the wits that I often find so entertaining in my favorite books. I certainly wouldn’t like to mess with any of these people. It would be like, as my dad says, “Entering into a battle of wits unarmed”.
Anyway, here are some classy insults that really tickled my funny bone:
- The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
- “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
- “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
- “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
- “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…. if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
- “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
- “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
- “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
- “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go…” – Oscar Wilde
- “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
Have a happy Monday!