People Who Don’t Realize They Need to Be My Best Friend
Have you ever been introduced to someone and within like thirty seconds of conversation thought to yourself, “If this person doesn’t become my best friend right now there is absolutely no way this universe is physically staying together?” I have. But, and I’m going to sound really dorky saying this, I never actually usually meet those kind of people in real life. I usually just read about them in books, or watch them in movies, or catch late-night documentaries on them on New Years’ Eve. So they’re usually celebrities, or, worse, fictional characters.
I get along with fictional characters really well. Like, way better than I get along with people in real life. Most of the people in my world annoy me. I don’t like their Hollister sweatshirts and Flo Rida saturated ipods and neon sunglasses.(No offense to any of you who have those things. I’m not saying they’re wrong, I’m just saying they’re really annoying.) It bugs me when people don’t get my off-the-wall puns, or wrinkle their brows in confusion when I talk about James Dean being the cutest thing ever, or blank out on all the words to “Somebody to Love” (by Queen, NOT Justin Bieber).
Anyway, I have a list of people who need to be my best friends. People who would totally be my best friends if I could ever afford to buy a plane ticket to Nashville or London or some fictional world that doesn’t really exist.
The first person I can think of is Taylor Swift. Taylor, you would totally love me. I know you would! Mostly because you seem like the nicest person ever and I’m counting on you just sort of generally liking everyone. But also because, you know what? You like dresses? I like dresses, too! You like adorable videos of equally adorable kittens? Oh my gosh, so do I!!!! You like writing bitter songs about jerks who broke your heart? Um, okay, so I’ve never done that before, but I like listening to them while I work out! Nothing gets my blood pumping more than listening to you sing about burning photos and refusing to answer the telephone. That is like, so fierce, girl. We would get along so well.
Anne Shirley is also always going to be a kindred spirit of mine. When I was younger, I think I wanted to grow up and become Anne. Flaming “auburn” hair and all. I literally spoke in italics for a whole year and tried to find a recipe for raspberry cordial but there is a devastating lack of cordial in the world nowadays that Anne would be ashamed to discover. But I can make raspberry lemonade, thank heavens, so if I could just find someway to zap Anne out of her book and invite her over I just know we could eat sweets and drink lemonade and rant about that awful Josie Pye. Bosom friends for life.
Another person that I secretly would love to be friends with is Mr. Collins from Pride and Prejudice. But like the frenemies version of best friends. The type of relationship where I could sit next to him and simper about how much I love boiled potatoes and how wonderfully he reads Fordyce’s sermons, and then I could hide under the covers with Elizabeth later and complain about him. Mr. Collins? Ugh! Gag me with a spoon! As if! I just think he would make me laugh all the time, even if he didn’t mean to, and that can really add up to a wonderful relationship.
But I think my absolute favorite person and my number one secret best friend is Zooey Deschanel. Agh. Zooey, I love you. My dad constantly teases me about my probably unhealthy infatuation (read: borderline-obsession) with you, but we just would understand each other so much. I would never feel self-conscious in my fifties sundress with a skirt so wide it spreads across three seats in church as long as you were there beside me. We could go shopping together, listen to old Beach Boys records, complain about how no one watches “I Love Lucy” anymore, and then go to some diner and waste all our quarters on the jukebox, trying to find at least one genuinely old song, but failing and ending up swing dancing to Justin Bieber instead. It would be so. much. fun. We’d end it by taking Polaroid photos of each other and sticking it in our friendship scrapbooks that evening. I’m not even being ironic! Making friendship scrapbooks with Zooey Deschanel would be so cool polar bears would freeze.
Do you have secret friendship dreams with fictional or unattainable people? Please tell me I’m not the only crazy person here.