I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Which is kind of strange because I feel like when all is going well in life, I tend to just skip on down my yellow brick road, totally and completely oblivious to anything anyone might say to me or about me. This is me a pretty good percentage of the time. Happy and oblivious, like a toddler who’s never considered the fact that Dora the Explorer’s mother lets her go tramping about alone in the woods with a singing backpack and monkey wearing boots.
And then every now and then I happen to have a day (or two) where something happens that really causes me to think. And I know it’s always a God-thing, because it’s always those days that cause me to re-evaluate just how much His presence means in my life. Lately this has been manifesting itself in my own self-image and perspective on life. Because sometimes, I am just not happy with the way God made me.
It’s a really weird thing to blog about, mostly because I don’t know any of you and you don’t really know me, so it’s not like we can have an actual balanced discussion on this topic. For all you know, I could be some deranged psycho who just happens to be good at balancing truths with snarky witticisms and writing sappy fairytales. But a lot of who I am can’t even be translated into a blog, or an interview, or a vlog video. Because I’m a seventeen-year-old girl and I have so many faults and imperfections and things that I hate about myself, both physically and mentally.
Anyway, I’m just like all other teenage girls and sometimes I have days where I struggle with image, jealousy, and self-pity, just like everyone else. And it’s always tough to have to sit myself down and truly understand the fact that I will always be aware of my own imperfections and struggles, and probably always be a bit envious of the gifts and successes of others. It’s something that comes up quite often as I examine my heart, and something that I’ve really been praying about lately.
And so, whenever I have those days where I feel second-best or dissatisfied with the way God made me, I just take it to the Lord in prayer. I pour out my heart to Him and pray for satisfaction in Him. And the more that I pray about it, the more at peace I feel in my own heart about God’s hand in my life.
Before the world even began, God smiled to Himself as He wove together the seams of my life. He knew how I would look, how I would grow and love Him, and the things that He would lead me to do during my time on earth. He made me exactly the way that I am, with all my imperfections and quirks, because He knew that it was through those faults and cracks that He would be most glorified.
The Lord doesn’t always glory in the mighty, in the brilliant, in the socially succesful, or in the gorgeous. The Lord works through the lives of everyday, ho-hum people who honestly love Him and want to serve Him with their lives. And when I waste precious moments of His time comparing myself to others or wondering why on earth He wouldn’t give me certain gifts of abilities, I am not only hurting myself but also the cause of my Creator. Because God isn’t glorified in my dissatisfaction and complaints. He’s not honored in my vanity, or my self-pity.
It takes a different type of perspective to honestly please Him with my life. It takes understanding that I have a purpose–a beauty in God’s eyes. That even on the days that I feel stupid and silly and dull, He is still working through me. Working through my imperfections to point others to Christ. It’s a wonderful, glorious truth that I feel I have fully realized over the past few days. A truth that warms my heart and fills me with nothing but joy and love for others. It erases bitterness, wipes out jealousy, and leaves no room for hurt feelings. God loves me, and that very fact makes my life worth something.